Presented here are a portrait and two of the letters I have been honored to receive through the years.
"The Honorable Chiun, Master of Sinanju, with his pupil, the pale piece of pig's ear, Remo"
This portrait depicts Remo in the early days of his training, when his habits were even more terrible than they are now.
A MISSIVE TO PEOPLE LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE SURVIVED A TYPICAL MURPHY MISTAKE.
I would write this letter in Korean but none of you would understand it. So I will write it in English. It is not as good as real language, but it will have to do. Maybe it is best. It may numb the shame to write in the language of nitwits.
What shame, you ask. How can the Master of Sinanju be shamed? That is what you say. And I say, easy. Particularly if you have the misfortune to have to deal with the scribbler, Murphy, and before him, that other thing, Sapir. But more of that later.
You have written because of an address in the front of books mistakenly labeled "The Destroyer" series. I say mistakenly labelled because you and I know who is the star of the series and it is certainly not the ex-policeman with the attention span of a 3 year old and the self discipline of rice pudding.
But that is unimportant now. What is important is that the Master has been reduced to being a pen pal because of the usual insanity that runs amok in your land. I will tell you what happened and you will be the judge. A long time ago, I asked the 2 scribblers to establish a drop for certain foreign matter. Of course, they made this simple request into a public fiasco.
First they rented a public post office box in Massachusetts, thus exposing me to all kinds of junk mail from convicts and idiots. Fortunately, Sapir forgot to pay the rent on the box and so the humiliation did not last too long, and as time went on I convinced Sapir that he should find other ways to make a living, than by getting rich off me. I thought, and even Masters can make mistakes, that dealing with one lunatic would be easier than dealing with two.
I will pay forever for my error in judgement. Left to his own devices and wishing to please me, Murphy decided to establish a drop for certain foreign matter. What did he do? He rented a post office box in Secaucus, New Jersey.
I cannot believe these two. They can do nothing right. Let me tell you the truth. I do not even know what a Secaucus, New Jersey is.
But there is no point in crying over spilled blood. If it is the wish of the gods that I spend my twilight years poring over communications, most of them illiterate and all written in an aborigine language, then I will do it without complaint.
Perhaps it is not so bad. Despite the inaccurate writing of Sapir and Murphy--(how beautifully those names go together...like garbage and flies)--despite all that, you have managed to glimpse the awesome magnificence of the glorious House of Sinanju.
All of you seem to want lessons in the sun source of Sinanju. I do not give lessons. I tried that once. Murphy and Sapir have chronicled some of the results of that in this so-called Destroyer series. I should have heeded the wisdom of the Great Wang, who wisely said, "Does the lion teach the dandelion to roar?"
Let me give you a lesson that will one day be written in the archives of Sinanju. "Don't mess around with the cheap white help." I should have thought of that when first I saw Sapir and Murphy, but I was seduced by their promises that they would bring me fame and fortune. I did not know that they would get everything wrong to start with, and then would make me a penpal as the final degradation.
But enough of that. I am glad that you adore me. It proves that your people are educable. Most of them anyway, excluding Murphy and before him that Sapir. I have told Murphy to reproduce this letter so that I can sign it and send it to you. If you don't receive it, it is because he lost it or forgot to put stamps on it ot had to stop for a drink on the way to the post office, or something. The man's excuses are endless.
With moderate tolerance for you, I am
The following is the text of another letter from the Master of Sinanju, Chiun the Humble.
THE UNBELIEVABLY RESOURCEFUL MASTER FINDS A WAY TO MAKE SOMETHING WORTHWHILE OUT OF MUD.
Despite the inept, inaccurate writing of Sapir and Murphy, you have been able to glimpse the awesome magnificence of the glorious House of Sinanju. Such expressions of interest could almost make me forgive the stupidities of the two would-be scribes, who are enriching themselves at my expense, as well as forcing me to extra work such as obligating the House of Sinanju to some response to you, because they have placed a drop address in the books for everyone to see.
It is bad enough that they have gotten almost every story wrong. The correct titles of the books-for your eyes only-are:
1. Chiun meets pale piece of pig's ear.
2. Chiun's trainee almost gets himself killed by not listening to advice of the Master of Sinanju.
3. Chinese perfidy revenged by Chiun.
4. Chiun suffers uncalled for intrusion and typical ingratitude.
5. Chiun versus the earth.
6. Chiun saves America.
7. Chiun saves Remo.
8. Chiun saves Remo again.
9. Chiun gets autographed picture of Rad Rex.
10. Chiun saves Remo once more.
11. Chiun and the nice ladies.
12. Chiun returns to Loni empire and is greeted in appropriate fashion.
13. Chiun meet young competitive house.
14. Chiun advises Remo on emperors.
15. Chiun suffers ingratitude.
16. Chiun saves Remo and wonders why.
These misrepresentations did not bother me at first because I did not believe that anybody read these books, except my trainee and his lack of taste is well-known. But now I find that you have read them and it its necessary that I tell the truth so that you are not misled by these two devious scribblers.
What is the House of Sinanju, besides a model of behavior for the entire population of the world? It is suggested in the books that the House lf Sinanju is a house of assassins and I am the chief assassin. Oh, how clever are Sapir and Murphy to be able to twist a simple truth into such a cunning distortion, merely to sell more copies of their awful books.
The very simple fact of the matter is that the House of Sinanju is not a thing that delivers a service merely for money as in the saffron pages of your telephone instrument book. Go, now. Look it up. You will not find the House of Sinanju there. See, it only goes from silverware to sinks. Does this not prove that Sapir and Murphy lie?
You can become better than you are and any change is for the better. If you wish to emulate the Master of Sinanju, you must study his words. You can find them in the Sapir-Murphy fictions. Forget the stories that they tell you in those books because they always get them wrong anyway. However, anytime I am speaking between those little marks like this("), pay attention. Those talkings are are called direct quotations and they are correct because I write them all down so even the two scribblers cannot get them wrong. You must also read these missives I send you. Study them carefully.
Remember always this wisdom:
Only one person can be the Master of Sinanju.
Only some persons can be Korean.
But every person can do the best he can, considering.
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